Lessons from Megatron and Saul

Dads and Husbands, here are a few thoughts on leading your home after reading about King Saul the last few weeks… and then watching Transformers One.

Despite the grace God gave him, Saul failed as a king. He did not extend the boundaries of Israel. He also failed as a father. Saul's sons died with him in battle and did not fulfill their calling as future leaders of the nation. Saul not only died but did so in disgrace taking his own life, tormented by shame. Saul was relationally deficient. Even in the position as king, as one with full authority, Saul was unable to lead his family, his army, and his nation because he did not have a trusting relationship with them. As a result of his poor relationships with others, Saul attempted to maintain his authority by control. When this was unsuccessful, he became angry or should I say “more angry!” He lost his direction as a leader and died with his sons shamefully in a losing battle. Anger can get the best of many men and that happens when they don’t take their disappointments to the Lord in prayer. Sadly that anger can have lasting effects on those they love most.

All of us as husbands have been given authority in our families. How do we use this authority? Do we attempt to lead through our depth of relationship (as does a shepherd) or through our "position" as head of the home? How do we respond when our children do not obey or respect us? How often do we get angry over circumstances in the home? Why do we get angry and how can we deal with this major destroyer of family relationships?

Don’t forget this: Rules without relationships leads to rebellion.

Take time to be with your kids doing some fun things. Ensure they know you love them, believe in them, and support them. Then when the teaching moments come, they’ll be more open to actually listening.

Dads, consider also using fun moments to squeeze in a lesson.

For example, I took Lucas to see Transformers last week because they released a PG version and man was he pumped! He loves transformers! What guy doesn’t? They had an excellent “moral of the story” at the end (spoiler alert if you haven’t seen it yet - read at your own risk)

The movie tells us about the origin story of these two sworn enemies, Megatron and Optimus Prime. If you’re unfamiliar, let’s just call Optimus Prime the good guy. At the end, we find why and how Megatron became his enemy - all through a need for control and a thirst for revenge. I love when movies depict what Jesus taught - that forgiveness can actually stop the chaos and bring about what we all actually want. So (again, spoiler alert) Megatron is bent on revenge and ruins an amazing friendship he once had. After the movie me and Lukas were walking out. Well, he was near-running, telling me how cool it was when the sword cut the … And I took that moment to teach. “Did you notice how Megatron got so angry and that ended up getting him hurt?

“Yeah” Lukas said. I continued. So when we are mad about something, we have to learn to forgive people. Otherwise, we will just become angry people and we won’t have any more friends huh? “Yeah”  While I can’t be sure he got it, I do believe he did.

Anger is the destroyer of relationships.

I remember reading once that “Anger is a learned response to mounting frustration caused by hurt or guilt in our lives.” It can be manifested physically in many ways, clenched teeth, raised voice, quick responses, glaring eyes, or hurt-filled words. These emotional responses often lead to more guilt, hurt, and misunderstanding straining already stretched relationships. Much of what the world calls today “emotional intelligence” is actually just Christ-likeness but here’s the thing; emotional intelligence is being aware of the anger that is building in you and squashing it so as to not ruin relationships or moments in life. That’s good. It is. But what’s better is to let God remove the anger and He can do that by addressing the hurt beneath the anger and teaching us to forgive.

Perhaps this is why Paul directs us, as fathers, not to (exasperate, NIV; provoke to anger, NAS) our children (Ephesians 6:4) This Greek word, paraorgizo, is used twice in the New Testament (Ephesians 6:4, Romans 10:19) and it means to enrage or to make angry. The noun form of the word is used in Ephesians 4:26, "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry".

Paul gives us a key in the next verse how to avoid this from happening in our children. He tells us, as fathers, to "bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord".

Training (paideia) is used 6 times in the New Testament (Ephesians 6:4, 2 Timothy 3:16, Hebrews 12:5, 12:7, 12:8, 12:11) and is translated as training twice and discipline four times in the NIV. Paul compares the discipline (paideia) of our Heavenly Father and our earthly fathers in Hebrews 12. As sons of the Father we are directed not to take lightly the discipline of the Lord (Heb 12:5). We are to endure hardship as discipline (paideia) (v.7), for Scripture indicates that if we are not disciplined (paideia) then we are illegitimate children and not true sons (v.8). No discipline (paideia) seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it (v.11).

This concept of discipline carries with it two associated concepts (1) correcting with words, reproving, and what the Bible calls “admonishing”, a word we don’t use often today and (2) by the infliction of evils and calamities suggesting a type of discipline that focuses upon affecting character. (According to Vines)

The word for is used three times in the New Testament (1 Cor 10:11, Eph 6:4, Titus 3:10) as a verb and 8 times as a noun. It is translated as warn six times, admonish three times, and instruction twice. According to Vines, is training by the word, whether of encouragement, or, if necessary, by reproof. While training “instruction” stresses the use of verbal correction, paideia, stresses somewhat more the training by act.

Instruction is always given in regard to a standard. Encouragement or admonishment is performed when the evaluation of a child's action or behavior is compared against a clearly established family standard. This helps "protect" the child from exasperation.

For example, at the Biel house we have 4 words that serve as values and standards, an acronym for B.I.E.L. I have engrained into my children that “We are BIELs so we are Brave, we have Integrity, we doing things with Excellence and we are Loving. This makes for any easy way for them to remember “oh yeah that’s the standard.” For example when my daughter who shall remain unnamed did a lousy job cleaning the kitchen earlier this week, I politely reminded her of our standard “Honey, what this “Excellent” meaning the best you could do? Or do you think those rock hard rice crisps on the table could have been cleaned off?” She smiled and agreed … after one of those teenager moans of course.

Some standards will vary among children, simply because of their age and such but as a parent, try your best to link up your standards with your home values. If you haven’t made home values, consider making them this week then sticking with them for life. Refer back to them and teach them to your kids. Pro Tip, like a teacher does, try to make it memorable using a rhyme or simply your last name. I’ve done this with a handful of our dads at Rock of Grace talking it through over coffee and it’s been really fun! My sincere apologies if your last name is Kitzmiller or Steinburgh or anything with many letters. That may not work. =)

Paul directs us, as fathers, to bring up (feed, nourish, rear) our children in the paideia and nouthesia of the Lord. We are to pray for each child and to implement the directives that we receive from the Lord for our children. If we are faithful to do this with the proper motive and in the proper way then we will not provoke our children to anger. If we are not consistent with our standards then we will allow hurt and guilt to enter their lives and they will become angry.

It is one thing, as a father, to display anger and then repent. It is another thing to be a cause of anger in the lives of our sons and daughters. It is sobering to recall the words of Jesus, "Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied to his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin. So watch yourselves." (Luke 17:1-4) Could this verse be apply to us as fathers? By our attitudes and actions do we open the door for our children to become angry? What steps can we take to not only keep us free form anger but also help our wives and children to do the same?